Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize