Dude my mom stole all your condoms
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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