My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
