I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
