I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
