So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
