i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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