if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
