I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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