I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
