Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
