I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
