shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
