If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
