Can i not drive my cunt home
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Randomize
