My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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