Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
