im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
