Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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