i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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