Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
now i know why i became what i already was.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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