I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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