I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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