2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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