dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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