bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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