i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
