If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
