how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I know her cup size but not her name....
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
