The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
