I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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