So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
