i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
