Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
