It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
