I seem to have left my pride at pride
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
