There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
