The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I supernannyed him into submission
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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