I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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