...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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