right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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