uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
