i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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