Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
