you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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