I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
