what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize