I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
