My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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