70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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