just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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