real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
