Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
