He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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