i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Randomize
