Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
