Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my vag is so smooth its legendary
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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