dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
