Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
